How to Argue When Accused of Bigotry

                This guide is to help people in reacting to situations where they are accused of being bigoted.  No one wants to be associated with the antagonists of history.  People make mistakes and say stupid things, and it’s good to point out someone’s bad behavior, but the accused tends to overreact.  No one wants to be called racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, bigoted, etc.  People take these labels to heart and can lose all emotional composure.  If recorded that one moment becomes internationally available and the humiliation is deafening. 

                Some people truly are heartless bigots and will freely speak their prejudiced minds at protests and could care less of the consequences.  Other people accidentally say politically incorrect things and are called on the carpet.  There is a discreet difference between a curb stomping Neo Nazi and someone who told a bad joke.

                These arguments can happen between family members, friends, classmates, or coworkers.  Arguing with someone close to you is harder than simply blocking an angry stranger on social media.  The perception that someone is a bigot or someone thinks you are a bigot creates tension and can lead to heated disputes. 

I have been on both sides of the equation, so my guidance may help.  In high school a girl spent a year and a half spreading rumors that I was a bigot just because I refused to try lesbian sex.  Conversely, at home, someone made inappropriate jokes about Indians, and pointing it out led to some emotional backfire.

                In terms of emotions and backlash, it is possible that your opponent will break all the rules from the previous entry.  He or she may openly call you a bigot, scream, use profanity, interrupt you, etc.  Try your best to remain calm, and identify the behavior before responding.

                Disclaimer:  Please take precaution.  If you feel that the person accusing you is going to be violent, please call the authorities if necessary.  Make some distance, walk away, or excuse yourself.  This is a guide, but it is not perfect, flawless, or guaranteed to work.

                The following is a list of Do’s and Don’ts when handling these types of arguments.  The Do’s are split into three sections: the beginning, middle, and end of the dispute.  The Don’ts are subcategorized by difficulty level.  The Do’s come first because you need to know what to do first, whereas in the previous entry, the Don’ts come first to eliminate undiplomatic behaviors.  It can be noted that there are similarities between the last entry and this one, but each similar point has added insight. 

I hope that this guide helps people handle these situations better.  There are enough meltdowns online; we don’t need any more.  The same goes for the previous entry.  We don’t need any more “Rekt” videos either!

The Do’s and Don’ts of Arguing when Accused of Bigotry

Do’s

The Beginning – Ground Yourself

-Review your actions.  Did you do something wrong, even by accident?

-Apologize when necessary.  The person may not accept your apology even if it is sincere, but at least you tried to come to a truce.

-If you disagree with the accusation, then clarify your behavior.  Be prepared to present your argument logically and humbly.  Otherwise arrogance will open up accusations for mansplaining or whitesplaining.  (See Don’ts section, Contemporary Pitfalls, to learn how to prevent this.)

-Stay calm.  Just because someone calls you a bigot, racist, homophobe, Nazi, (fill in the blank), does not mean it is true.  It reveals what that person thinks of you.  Now you are aware of their perspective.

                As for the physiological aspects of remaining calm, you may be a bit shaken after the argument, but during it you can take a few slow, deep breaths.  The inhale is just as important as the exhale.  If you inhale more than you exhale, your blood pressure will rise.*  (A paramedic once told me this.)

The Middle – Gather Information and Make Points

-Listen to your accuser.  Get the whole story and their perception.  Listening is not submissive; you are collecting information.  The more you listen, the more likely they will calm down.  If the person is yelling, he/she will get tired eventually.  If the discussion is over a mental illness that your opponent has, sometimes emotional instability can play role.  Be patient.  Pointing it out will only escalate the argument.

-If you have something to say, speak up, “Hey, I have a point to make!” or “Hey, there’s a story I need to share!  It relates to this topic!”

-When the person says, “Check your privilege!” let them.  Think about your privileges, but also think about your disadvantages.  Only 1% of the nation is extremely privileged.  Chances are you aren’t as privileged as you appear.  You consist of more than one demographic, and some of your traits may not be visible.  You could be disabled or have a health problem that no one notices unless you tell them.  You could have lived in your car for five years and your opponent might not know. 

If you don’t have a serious hardship or do not wish to share it, let the person know, “Okay, so I’m privileged, but I’m also human.  I did not choose my life or my family.  Being privileged or disadvantaged is not a choice.” 

Also your opponent may have some privileges they are unaware of.  Ex. An African-American could have Christian privilege, while you may be Wiccan.

-Let the other person have their beliefs even if you don’t agree.  If your opponent says black people can’t be racist, let them feel that way.  If someone says women are superior, let them think that.  If they believe gay people are the most open minded people, let them believe that.  Those are not the points to argue.  Now you know this person’s mindset, and you can employ logic to argue your points in a way that they agree.  Ex.  “If women are superior, then how can I be mansplaining?”

-If you notice a contradiction, point it out softly.  Here’s how.  Say calmly, “At one point you said ‘___________,’ and now you are saying, ‘____________.’  These two ideas conflict, and let me tell you why.”

-Argument points should match. 

-Use statistics to argue statistics, and facts against other facts. 

-Be open to anecdotes and then present your own. 

-Use historical references when addressing history. 

When these types of information are mixed, people get angry.  Facts are presented, and one person’s experience looks irrelevant compared to facts derived from years of scientific research.  Statistics cover entire populations, and someone’s anecdotal story is downplayed.  Statistics do not obliterate your own personal life experiences.  The research and experimentation were all experienced by an observing party numerous times before arriving at a conclusion.  All these argument types are useful if used properly.

-If you need a break, tell them.  These confrontations can be intense, and you need to take a breather.  A break is also good for collecting your thoughts.  You can reassess the situation.

Ending the Argument –Deescalate and Truce

-Find a common ground.  It can be positive or negative.  You may both come from divorced families, had abusive relationships, have a similar mental health problem, suffered a horrible childhood, etc.  Fair warning – if you mention having a bad childhood, your accuser may downplay it.  You are by no means required to divulge your past or anything too painful.  The point is that you both have something in common so that you can understand each other.  The positive things you have in common are best toward the end of the argument.  You may like the same movies, music, TV shows, etc.

-Reconnect as humans.  You are both the same species, Homo sapiens.  Instead of dehumanizing, humanize!  We all live on this same planet, and may share a common nationality.

-Do understand your differences.  You and the other person may come from two different environments.  It is possible that you both came from different socio-economic backgrounds.  You may have had different upbringings or educational experiences.  You may have come from different regions of the country or from a completely different area of the world.

-Do improve yourself and research what you were unaware of.  No one is omniscient.  Look up new terms and concepts even if it’s just a quick trip to Wikipedia.  It is better to be informed.  Maybe you’ll learn something really neat.

Don’ts

The Basics – These tips help in any argument.

-Don’t say, “Calm down!”  That never works, because it’s an imperative, and then acting calm would feel like obeying.  Instead say, “Hey, you have my attention.  Can we please stop yelling and discuss this matter quietly?”

-Don’t yell back.  That will only escalate the argument.  The point is to deescalate.  If you talk over someone, and they say you are yelling, point out that you are just trying to talk over that person.  “I’m trying to get a word in.”

-Don’t make jokes or use insult humor.  Joking about the accuser being off his/her medication or chanting, “psych ward,” will only escalate the conflict.  Making even friendly jokes can show that you’re undermining the problem or dismissing the person.

-Don’t call names.  Snowflake!  Libtard!  Idiot!  Not only is this juvenile, but name calling indicates that you don’t have a good enough rebuttal, so you resort to flinging laconic insults.

-Don’t downplay the other person’s experience.  This discredits you when you point out their downplaying.  Please, please – don’t use the term, “butt hurt.”  It’s minimizing their emotions as being insignificant – and feelings are a huge part of this argument.  Plus “butt hurt” sounds stupid as hell!

Contemporary Pitfalls – Avoid these as you would dodge potholes in the road.  Millennials and Generation Z people are familiar with these points, but Generation X and Babyboomers have been less aware of these newer ideas.

-Don’t act patronizing.  Avoid using the following words and phrases.

                “Let me explain this to you…”

                “Once you realize….” or “I hope you realize….”

                “Actually”

                “Obviously”

Anything that starts with, “Let me explain this to you,” is acting like the recipient lacks the cognitive ability to understand.  Statements involving “realize” assert your point of view as reality, not just perspective.  The same goes for “actually,” since the root word is actual.  Regarding the word, “obviously,” what is obvious to you may not be obvious to everyone.  In terms of body language, pointing or finger wagging come off as arrogant.  Making choppy gestures with your hands shows aggression.

-Don’t use the following one –liners:  They look bad and have been widely condemned in present age.

                “I’m not racist/sexist, but…”

                “I have friends who are (insert demographic)…”

                “You’re playing the race card.”

                “(Insert scenario)…This is race-baiting.”

                The first will come off as denial.  They don’t hear the “not” part.

                The second sounds like an excuse.  While having diverse friends is a positive, when this is stated in an argument, it might convey the idea of befriending someone to absolve yourself from any accusation.

                The third is downplaying the racial issue.  Also, don’t say, “You’re making this into a race/gay thing.”  Instead say, “I would like to know how being (insert demographic) plays role in this scenario.”

                The fourth is downplaying racial injustice.  If you truly believe something is amiss in a legal comparison involving verdicts from two states, mention that states have different laws and sentencing rubrics.  If you can, volunteer to research the state laws, and then you can education each other.

-Don’t mention retro-racism, retro-sexism, or straight pride/heterophobia. 

                Bigotry means hatred and intolerance against any group of people.  Racism and sexism used to just mean discrimination against any race or gender, but now Leftists believe that “ism” implies oppression.  The root word + ism = one race/gender is focused on as supreme.  Ex.  Nationalism focuses on the nation and nationality.

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of the suffix, “ism,” is a noun that has an action, state, or condition.  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/-ism

-Don’t claim that you aren’t racist just because you accept races unrelated to the one you bashed.  Being nice to Hispanics does not excuse being mean to Asians.  This goes for everyone.  It doesn’t matter what race you are, if you are African American and bash Middle Eastern people, then that is racist.  A person could love Indians but hate Latin Americans.

This issue isn’t limited to race.  Being tolerant of homosexuality does not mean you can’t be transphobic.  This could also cross over different types of prejudice.  A person could support women’s rights but also be Islamophobic. 

-Don’t ask why something is offensive.  If it bothers them, cease and desist.  If you’re still curious, google your question.

-Don’t ask for the definitions of terms, such as sexual orientations you are unfamiliar with.  Instead, say that you are unfamiliar with the term, and that you are willing to research it.

Most Difficult Challenges

-Don’t make statements that reference race.  Some people are rigid enough that they think it’s okay for them talk about race in a racial argument but you are not allowed.  Instead, refer to people or human nature.  Refer to “everyone” instead of groups.  You may feel inclined to mention demographics when that is subject being discussed.  Point that out, “I’m mentioning this because we are on the topic of race.”  Talking about race is harder if you are Caucasian due to the history of black slavery and Jim Crow.  Although you may have absolutely no slave owners in your bloodline, your ancestry had a better foundation for building wealth and attaining a decent education and employment.  You may have privileges, but you did not cause any of the horrific events in history.

-Don’t flip out when your accuser says something bigoted.  Hypocrisy hurts, but some people have extreme views so they are apt to think something blatantly offensive is okay.  When that happens, sometimes stunned silence is good.  Let them have their beliefs, maybe they could be topics for another discussion.  Get back to the main point of the argument.

-Don’t get tangled in their judgments.  “Guilty until proven innocent” is unfair, but it has occurred historically, and at present, political extremists may apply this.  If you are accused, and you deny it, they may think you are in denial.  If you try to prove you’re not a bigot, it means “you needed to prove something,” which only validates the accusation.  The key is to point out the accusation.  The discussion happened as a direct result of their claims against you.  Disproving and denial are direct reactions, not stand-alone behaviors.

©2018 Caroline Friehs

Originally posted on June 24, 2018

Header picture edited by Caroline Friehs

How to Argue with a Bigot While Remaining Calm

               Bigots tend not to be lonely, but bigotry is a lonely vice.  Prejudices limit the number of people you can befriend or associate with.  Bigots are isolated to their hate groups, not even their whole race.  Although there are more openly prejudiced people these days, Neo-Nazis and the KKK are still outsiders.  Knowing this makes them distrusting of most people, and having to hide their identity makes them feel persecuted.  This is why extremists think they are the victims.  The masses freely voice their opinions, which are slightly similar and repetitive.  Extremists are intolerant to others’ opinions probably because they have heard them all on repeat and their own opinions don’t get heard – unless it’s online under an alias or they are yelling in a demonstration.  Mainstream morality possibly leads them to believing the majority are the intolerant, extremist ones, and not themselves.  Even when they find allies in cyberspace, they are geographically spaced.  Chances are they are still alone.

                Though what if someone close to you were a bigot, or you suspected them of being one?  Some people have prejudicial ideas without being emotionally hateful.  Then there are some people with social anxieties toward different races or religions, or unfamiliar sexualities and gender expressions.  Just because someone has prejudicial tendencies doesn’t make them a complete bigot.  Bigot is a harsh word.  Yet slurs can be harsh words too. 

                Finding out that someone close to you holds extreme views can be shocking.  Flipping out and screaming at the person will get you nowhere and will hurt your relationship with that person.  The following guide is on how to argue with a bigot, genuine or suspected, without the conversation escalating to an explosive altercation.

                Plenty of Leftists advocate “punching Nazis,” but violence will result in them isolating themselves to socialize with other bigots, with whom they can be open and honest.  Then more of those types could congregate and form a hate group chapter.  In order to prevent this, stop that person close to you from joining by connecting with them.  Once you take time to get over the initial shock, discussion helps to strengthen your bond. 

                Approaching this dilemma parallels to one of Aesop’s fables, The Sun and the Wind.  The Wind symbolizes force, anger, and convictions.  The Sun represents persuasion and patience.  The harder the raging Wind tried to blow the man’s coat off his body, the tighter the man held onto his coat.  The Sun warmed up the land, and the man willingly took off his coat.  Likewise, the bigot will want to hold onto his Klan uniform no matter how hard you try to blow it off with your zeal.  Be patient and debate your opponent civilly and maybe that person will have a change of heart and wardrobe. 

Sometimes it takes longer.  Your opponent may meet someone of their hated group and learn that the stereotype does not match up and that there is nothing inferior about that person – as I have seen happen.

I have good and bad experiences interacting with bigots and people with prejudicial leanings.  I also have been falsely labeled a bigot and a homophobe for not tolerating sexual harassment from female peers.  I learned what works and what doesn’t work.

                The guide is structured as a detailed list of Do’s and Don’ts in handling this type of argument.  The “Don’ts” section comes first to eliminate knee-jerk reactions in these cases before proceeding to a civil discussion.  First and foremost is the disclaimer, because your safety comes first.

Disclaimer:  If you ever feel the bigot is threatening to inflict harm upon you or anyone you care about, call the police!  Get away from this person.  There is no guarantee that my methods will prevent crime, and there is no promise that the guide will yield the favorable results you expected.  This guide is not intended for converting anyone to someone else’s ideology.  The intent is to give suggestions on resolving a conflict in a peaceful manner, rather than resorting to physical and emotional abuse.

                This guide is for dealing with moderate haters, who are non-violent; preferably someone you know well.  These methods are based on my experiences, and everyone has different experiences – so results may vary.

The Dos and Don’ts of Debating with a Bigot

Don’ts

-Don’t call the person a bigot, even if it’s true.  Although their prejudicial ideas offend you, offending them via name-calling will likely motivate them to retaliate with cutting comebacks.  Why be sensitive to your feelings, if you are not sensitive to theirs?

-Don’t scream at them.  Attempts to intimidate them will make them either hide their bigotry or hold onto it tighter, like the fabled coat.  You can not take their thoughts away from them.  Shouting is equivalent to the Wind; they will want to hold onto their beliefs even tighter the harder you blow.

-Don’t interrupt, jump to conclusions, or contradict everything they say.  It says that you are not open for an actual discussion, and every question is a trap for rejection.  “Shutting them down,” may silence them, but silencing doesn’t erase their thoughts.  They will just express their hatred to someone more open.

-Don’t argue about the issue in public.  Instead talk about the matter in private or in the presence of a few close friends or family if you feel the person may react badly.  Being reserved about this may seem like the obvious answer, but some people have the urge to act when someone spontaneously utters a hateful comment.  Instead of saying, “What the hell was that about!” say, “I would like to talk to you about this later.”  Don’t say, “We need to have a talk later,” because it sounds parental.

-Don’t have this discussion over the internet.  It is better to have the conversation in person or over the phone.  If someone posts something sketchy on social media, never debate in the comments section.  Even your most diplomatic approach will come off as an attack.  The second you say Neo-Nazi, the person’s friends will assume you are directing the term at their friend, and then they will defend by lashing out at you.  Instead, send a private message, indicating your curiosity about the particular post.

-Don’t bring up the conflicted topic every time you see them.  Don’t make this an ongoing argument.

                -Whether this is a coworker, friend, family member, classmate, etc.; don’t argue about their prejudices every time you go to lunch, to class, or at every party, reunion; hangout of any kind.  Don’t make civil rights or gay rights your only topic of conversation. 

                -Why?  It’s harassing.

-It’s a double bind.  You reject them, but want them to belong to your social circle – via a change that you make mandatory.

                -Through repeated attempts to make them change their minds/hearts, you are showing that you won’t accept disagreement.  Trying to stop their bad ideas is limiting what they are allowed to think and say.  Therefore, you are denying them the choice of their own thoughts, and that’s probably not your intent.  Thinking is the most intimate freedom anyone has.  Would you like someone policing your thoughts?

                -It also makes you seem monomaniacal, like you have a one-track mind.  It’s not good for political discussion, because it’s important to care about more than one political issue.  So, watch yourself - do you talk about other things with this person?  Also, make sure you talk about stuff other than politics in general.

                (When I was in high school, I thought Klan members were monomaniacal, that all they ever did was think and talk about hatred.  I thought they had no hobbies.  As an adult, out of common sense I was sure they did more than just sit on the couch, dwelling on hate.  Heck, even mass murderers have hobbies.  Ex.  Virginia Tech’s Cho Seung Hui liked playing basketball.  Later in life I became friends with someone who estranged himself from his KKK relatives.   So I was finally able to get my answer.  I asked him, “Do Klan members ever have fun?  Do they have any hobbies besides hating?  I thought they didn’t have any fun.”  My friend laughed for about 45 seconds straight.  He told me that they like to party hard.  They drink and do crystal meth, get into fights, and have sex.  Expressing tabooed animosity is in the mix, of course.  Besides partying, they enjoy hunting and fishing.  They prefer country music, and they think goth music is depressing.)

-Don’t accuse them of being bigoted against groups they haven’t mentioned.  Just because someone hates one group of people doesn’t mean they hate everyone.  Also inform the person that bigots can hate one group but favor another.  Ex.  A racist could hate Latinos but love African Americans.

-Don’t ever joke about sexual assault to undo homophobia!  Trying to sodomize or force lesbian sex on a homophobe to change their minds or turn them gay will only validate their fears of LGBT people.  Whether you are joking or truly mean it, this is threatening someone.  Homosexual rape to cure homophobia is as wrongful as South African men gang raping to “cure” lesbians back in 2009. The person’s homophobia would intensify just as the South African lesbian would be even less attracted to men.

-Don’t be surprised if the bigot says bigoted things.  Be mentally and emotionally prepared to hear hateful things from a hateful person.  When you watch a movie, are you surprised the bad guy does bad things?  Unlike a cinematic villain, our peers are not as melodramatic.  A person can change, but you won’t be doing the changing – a person has to change on his/her own.

-Don’t cheer in victory when the bigot has a change of heart.  A person has to change on his/her own, so don’t treat this as your victory.  That person chose to change their thoughts, just as it was a choice to have the hateful thoughts before. 

                Treating their decision like it’s your victory is like saying that person decided to be defeated.  Rather than saying, “I’m happy that you’re accepting of others!” the message sounds like, “I’m happy for your defeat!”  Instead, let them lead the conversation about their transformation.  If they don’t say much, just say, “okay, cool,” then talk about other things.  Don’t make a big deal out of it.

Do’s

-Listen.  Collect all the information before assessing the person.  If you don’t listen, you may miss something, and misunderstand that person.  He or she might not be a bigot.  If he/she is bigoted, listen anyway.  Then you collect all the information necessary to build your argument.  Also, you get to know the person better.

-Try to be objective.  The reason behind the person’s behavior might not have been racially motivated.  Discern the type of discrimination.  There may be other factors involved since people consist of more than one demographic.  The real issue might be age, gender, mental illness, socio-economic background, ethnicity, religious beliefs, etc.  There is also the possibility that there was a big misunderstanding and the person was not being prejudiced at all.  Allow clarification.

                Also, the person may be unaware that they are acting prejudiced.  If they are unaware, pointing it out will come off as a surprise attack.  The person will get defensive and angry.  It is better to reference the behavior and how it came off, and discuss the matter in private.

-Let them have their thoughts.  Let them say those awful words.  This is when you are dealing with the real thing beyond a doubtless shadow.  If you don’t cut them off at every slur, they are more likely to open up and give you more information.

-Present your arguments calmly.

                -If you are calm, they are more likely to stay calm.

                -Attack their arguments, not the person.

                Method 1:  Find illogic and inconsistencies in their own statements and views.

                Method 2:  Use facts to disprove their comments.  Make sure your facts are accurate, and you know the resource.  If you don’t know it offhand, that’s okay.  Tell him/her you can find it later.

                                -Very importantly, this person may call your facts, “just theories.”  Instead of flipping out, get curious.  “Why do you think this is just a theory?”  Is it based on scientific counter-evidence, or because their social circle believes it unanimously?  If the former, politely ask them for the resource or specify which studies were conducted.

                Method 3:  Fight them on their own turf.  This is a combination of Method 1 and 6.  Step into your opponent’s shoes, and argue from their standpoint.  Entertain their ideology while retaining your own.  Treat their ideas as givens and find holes in their logic.  If you argue solely from your belief system, which they don’t believe in, it could be frustrating enough to escalate to a heated disagreement.

                Method 4:  Ask non-clichéd situational questions.  “What if you have a gay kid someday,” is old, and a homophobe has heard that one 50 times.  Ask something better, “What if you get caught for a hate crime and you share a cell with a gay person?”

                Method 5:  Ask them about what would be an ideal world for them.  Use this one later, never on the first conversation.  Though, when you ask this question, brace yourself.  Their utopia is most likely your dystopia.  Then once you know this pipedream, you can find points to debate.  You can show how it would be dysfunctional, and what it is lacking.  Don’t slam their dream, because it would mean you asked the question just to attack him/her.  Be gentler, not harsh.  Debating is better than ditching.

                Method 6:  Explain why the hateful idea is wrong.  Restrain your urge to show anger while doing so.  Explain the “why” through logic.  Think it out beforehand and tell them.  If you need to, let the person know you took time to think about how to tell them.  It shows you care.

-Inform them, but don’t expect them to agree.

                “Being gay is natural.”  “Some people don’t believe in an afterlife.”  “No race is superior.  Everyone is equal.”

                If they disagree, calmly challenge.  “If being gay is a choice, how did you choose to become straight?”  “Well you don’t believe in reincarnation – so there are people who don’t believe in Heaven.  Some people believe in Nirvana.”  “Can you electro-shock someone to being bisexual?”  “If you think the majority of white people are more (insert positive trait), it’s because white people are the majority.  In statistics class, we learned a sample had to be at least 30 members.  If you surveyed two groups, 30 and 10 people respectively, the resulting statistics would be an unfair comparison.”

-Tell them, “I need to you stay calm,” instead of “Calm down!” when the prejudiced person gets upset.

                -When he/she yells, “WHY?” say you don’t want to fight but to debate peacefully.  It’s a relevant topic that’s worth discussing.

-Find a common ground.  What do you have in common with this person?  Connect with him/her.  It helps ease tension.  You may have attended the same school, have similar music tastes, or share a hobby.  If you represent the group that bigot hates, then find a demographical trait you both have in common.  Ex.  You may be different sexual orientations, but you may both be women who have endured sexism.  You may have a hardship in common.  Look deeper.

-Take a break.  Know when to take a break.  When you feel the person is tired of debating you, this is good time to stop and walk away.  This isn’t about winning an argument.  This is about having a discussion.

-Give them space.  If an argument turns tense, give that person some space.  If you can be in the same room and refrain from approaching them, they won’t feel the need to avoid you.  If they exit Stage Left, let them.  Occupy yourself with other people or activities.  It shows you have a life.

-Give them time.  It takes time to change.  Don’t expect an existential transformation by next week.  Our life experiences shape our beliefs, and they may run into situations that challenge their ways.  They may meet a new friend who later tells them she’s pansexual, be assigned to a lab partner who’s Middle- Eastern, or welcome a new brother-in-law who has dyslexia.  The person may have a job interview with an African American, or have a boss who is Atheist – both whom you need to respect to attain or retain a job.  When someone is carrying their half-conscious body out of a burning building, their half-closed eyes can hardly determine the race of their hero.  In time, these experiences could impact them.  They also could have bad experiences involving their hated types, thus reinforcing and validating the bigotry.  Maybe you could discuss the bad memories, if they are comfortable with it?

-Let them change their minds on their own.  If they don’t change, accept it and move on.  If they do, great.  Their thoughts are their choice, and changing those thoughts is also their choice.  Their transformation may or may not have involved your arguments.  The reasons may be entirely their own.

©2018 Caroline Friehs

Originally posted on June 24, 2018 

Header picture by Caroline Friehs