Ghosts and Boomerangs – Stalking Prevention

                There are people who are unaware that they send mixed signals, and then there are people who exploit your company out of sheer boredom.  Like a cheap magic trick, they are gone but still visible – in the same room and you are ostracized – until they need you again.  If you try to talk to this person two days in a row, you are labeled a “stalker.”  If you have never dealt with this head game, consider yourself lucky.

                This guide tells how to handle emotionally unavailable people who make you feel stalkerish, and most importantly shows how to prevent yourself from engaging in stalking behaviors.   Some people have no intention on harming anyone, but they unknowingly cross boundaries.  For example, a “friend” and I planned a short vacation trip after graduation, and she abruptly stopped talking to me.  I kept calling her, asking about trip reservations – no response.  I felt worried, because the last time I had not heard from a friend, I found his obituary.  The month we planned the trip came closer, and there was still no response from her.  I later found her LinkedIn, and she ignored my connection request and changed her public settings.  I blocked her, never contacted her again, and reported her since she was acting like a bot anyway. 

The modern term for this social disappearance is called “ghosting.”  The toxic types covered in this guide are Ghosts and Boomerangs; the latter I coined.  I have dealt with both in the past, and this guide is based on my experiences.  I do admit that I have been the Ghost a few times.  My reasons for doing so included if someone was rude and/or controlling.  However, everyone has different reasons.

                These people can be classmates, coworkers, or acquaintances who “befriend” you briefly.  It can also be a love interest who expects a “friend with benefits” affair.  Others only want to be your “friend” when they need to ask a favor, and then vanish.  The following are more specific definitions.

Ghosts:  are people you hang out with once or for a short period, and then they disappear from your life.

Boomerangs:  are people who are your friend one day, flat-out ignore you the next day, and will randomly return when they feel like being your friend again.  They also tend to fight and make up frequently – resembling the cycle of abuse common in unhealthy relationships.

-If you try to disrupt this behavioral pattern they accuse you of being clingy or stalkerish.  They create boundaries for themselves and assume you have none.  You can’t approach them unless they invite you, while they feel they can approach you whenever they want.  They expect you to be an “on-call friend.”

                While it is true that they don’t have to be your friend or significant other, they also don’t have to meddle with your serotonin levels either.  This is how to resist obliging their head games.

                For Ghosts

1.       Ghost them back.  (This is an opportunity to get away from them.)

a.       Avoid them by letting them avoid you.   Don’t abruptly leave the room when they enter; no aggressive walking away.  Instead wait a moment, look at your watch, and exit.

b.      If they hadn’t returned your calls, don’t call again.  The same goes for text messaging and social media.  Cut off from them.

c.       Unfollow them, but don’t unfriend them right away.  Wait a few weeks or months to break off.  They probably won’t notice, but that’s the idea. 

2.       Manage your feelings. 

a.       Writing down your feelings helps.

b.      Talk about it to family or friends who have no connection to the Ghost.

c.       Answer your own “Why?”  If you wonder why this person ghosted you, don’t ask the Ghost.  The person does not owe you an explanation of why they deserted you.  Instead, do this.

·         Think about the possible reasons why this person stopped contact.  Evaluate each point, and stick with one.  It may be an assumption, but since the other party is not communicating, you can only guess.

·         Think about your own behaviors up to that point.  Did you accidentally say something offensive?  Could something you had said or done be misinterpreted?

d.      Do NOT show your resentment to the Ghost.  Let him/her ignore you.  If they do talk to you again, maybe by jumping in on your conversation, be cordial but keep it short with the Ghost.

e.   Do NOT chase the Ghost.  The more you try to talk to them, the more they don't want to talk to you.  Pursuing will only make you look like a stalker, and catching the Ghost will only make them feel violated anyway.  Let them go, but if the Ghost returns to haunt, then you're really dealing with a Boomerang.

For Boomerangs

1.       Back away slowly.  You’re just an “acquaintance,” so your role isn’t that big in the Boomerang’s life.

a.        Unfollow now, unfriend later.  Unfriend and block this person when they are distracted, perhaps fighting with someone else.

b.      Change your gym schedule, find out which classes they are taking next semester and choose other classes, avoid their usual hangouts, etc.

2.       Resist their return.  When they decide you won their “Friend for a Day Sweepstakes,” that you didn’t enter - follow these verbal guidelines.

a.       Don’t be up front with them.  “What’s wrong?  Why are you angry?”  Don’t say, “Because I don’t like your stupid mind games!  Go away!”  Even if it’s true, it will only create conflict.  That person doesn’t see what is wrong, because they think all their actions are justifiable.

b.      Don’t use their words against them; suppress the temptation.  “Stop being so needy!”  Instead go straight to point C.

c.       Make an excuse.  “I’m busy this weekend with (chores, errands, homework, hobbies, hanging out with a friend).”  If the excuse isn’t true, you may feel bad, but this person is not mentally mature enough to handle the truth.

3.       Busy yourself with other people and hobbies.  This will give validity to your excuses, and you won’t feel so bad then.  If the person approaches you, be preoccupied with your phone.  Returning the cold shoulder is not revenge; it is not your responsibility to catch the boomerang.

4.       Manage your boomeranging emotions.  This person goes back and forth, and your feelings may be following suit.  Welcoming behavior may give you a surge of joy, and when they disappear, you may feel loss.  Remember Mr. Hyde when Dr. Jekyll invites you to tea.  It takes time, but learn to stick with one feeling – love or hate.  Since the bond is weak, stick with like or dislike.

5.       If you decide to stay shallow pals with the Boomerang, learn to have no expectations for them.  Let them come and go.  Throw the boomerang back.  It will return, but you have no idea when.

6.       If you don’t wish to stay friends/acquaintances, avoid this person like the plague.  Let the Boomerang look like the stalker.  Collect all the information, and follow steps listed in the “Someone You Know” section in the next article, titled, “Five Types of Stalkers – How to Handle Them.”

©2018 Caroline Friehs

Originally posted:  September 8, 2018
Updated:  June 29, 2019

Header picture by Caroline Friehs

How to Argue When Accused of Bigotry

                This guide is to help people in reacting to situations where they are accused of being bigoted.  No one wants to be associated with the antagonists of history.  People make mistakes and say stupid things, and it’s good to point out someone’s bad behavior, but the accused tends to overreact.  No one wants to be called racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, bigoted, etc.  People take these labels to heart and can lose all emotional composure.  If recorded that one moment becomes internationally available and the humiliation is deafening. 

                Some people truly are heartless bigots and will freely speak their prejudiced minds at protests and could care less of the consequences.  Other people accidentally say politically incorrect things and are called on the carpet.  There is a discreet difference between a curb stomping Neo Nazi and someone who told a bad joke.

                These arguments can happen between family members, friends, classmates, or coworkers.  Arguing with someone close to you is harder than simply blocking an angry stranger on social media.  The perception that someone is a bigot or someone thinks you are a bigot creates tension and can lead to heated disputes. 

I have been on both sides of the equation, so my guidance may help.  In high school a girl spent a year and a half spreading rumors that I was a bigot just because I refused to try lesbian sex.  Conversely, at home, someone made inappropriate jokes about Indians, and pointing it out led to some emotional backfire.

                In terms of emotions and backlash, it is possible that your opponent will break all the rules from the previous entry.  He or she may openly call you a bigot, scream, use profanity, interrupt you, etc.  Try your best to remain calm, and identify the behavior before responding.

                Disclaimer:  Please take precaution.  If you feel that the person accusing you is going to be violent, please call the authorities if necessary.  Make some distance, walk away, or excuse yourself.  This is a guide, but it is not perfect, flawless, or guaranteed to work.

                The following is a list of Do’s and Don’ts when handling these types of arguments.  The Do’s are split into three sections: the beginning, middle, and end of the dispute.  The Don’ts are subcategorized by difficulty level.  The Do’s come first because you need to know what to do first, whereas in the previous entry, the Don’ts come first to eliminate undiplomatic behaviors.  It can be noted that there are similarities between the last entry and this one, but each similar point has added insight. 

I hope that this guide helps people handle these situations better.  There are enough meltdowns online; we don’t need any more.  The same goes for the previous entry.  We don’t need any more “Rekt” videos either!

The Do’s and Don’ts of Arguing when Accused of Bigotry

Do’s

The Beginning – Ground Yourself

-Review your actions.  Did you do something wrong, even by accident?

-Apologize when necessary.  The person may not accept your apology even if it is sincere, but at least you tried to come to a truce.

-If you disagree with the accusation, then clarify your behavior.  Be prepared to present your argument logically and humbly.  Otherwise arrogance will open up accusations for mansplaining or whitesplaining.  (See Don’ts section, Contemporary Pitfalls, to learn how to prevent this.)

-Stay calm.  Just because someone calls you a bigot, racist, homophobe, Nazi, (fill in the blank), does not mean it is true.  It reveals what that person thinks of you.  Now you are aware of their perspective.

                As for the physiological aspects of remaining calm, you may be a bit shaken after the argument, but during it you can take a few slow, deep breaths.  The inhale is just as important as the exhale.  If you inhale more than you exhale, your blood pressure will rise.*  (A paramedic once told me this.)

The Middle – Gather Information and Make Points

-Listen to your accuser.  Get the whole story and their perception.  Listening is not submissive; you are collecting information.  The more you listen, the more likely they will calm down.  If the person is yelling, he/she will get tired eventually.  If the discussion is over a mental illness that your opponent has, sometimes emotional instability can play role.  Be patient.  Pointing it out will only escalate the argument.

-If you have something to say, speak up, “Hey, I have a point to make!” or “Hey, there’s a story I need to share!  It relates to this topic!”

-When the person says, “Check your privilege!” let them.  Think about your privileges, but also think about your disadvantages.  Only 1% of the nation is extremely privileged.  Chances are you aren’t as privileged as you appear.  You consist of more than one demographic, and some of your traits may not be visible.  You could be disabled or have a health problem that no one notices unless you tell them.  You could have lived in your car for five years and your opponent might not know. 

If you don’t have a serious hardship or do not wish to share it, let the person know, “Okay, so I’m privileged, but I’m also human.  I did not choose my life or my family.  Being privileged or disadvantaged is not a choice.” 

Also your opponent may have some privileges they are unaware of.  Ex. An African-American could have Christian privilege, while you may be Wiccan.

-Let the other person have their beliefs even if you don’t agree.  If your opponent says black people can’t be racist, let them feel that way.  If someone says women are superior, let them think that.  If they believe gay people are the most open minded people, let them believe that.  Those are not the points to argue.  Now you know this person’s mindset, and you can employ logic to argue your points in a way that they agree.  Ex.  “If women are superior, then how can I be mansplaining?”

-If you notice a contradiction, point it out softly.  Here’s how.  Say calmly, “At one point you said ‘___________,’ and now you are saying, ‘____________.’  These two ideas conflict, and let me tell you why.”

-Argument points should match. 

-Use statistics to argue statistics, and facts against other facts. 

-Be open to anecdotes and then present your own. 

-Use historical references when addressing history. 

When these types of information are mixed, people get angry.  Facts are presented, and one person’s experience looks irrelevant compared to facts derived from years of scientific research.  Statistics cover entire populations, and someone’s anecdotal story is downplayed.  Statistics do not obliterate your own personal life experiences.  The research and experimentation were all experienced by an observing party numerous times before arriving at a conclusion.  All these argument types are useful if used properly.

-If you need a break, tell them.  These confrontations can be intense, and you need to take a breather.  A break is also good for collecting your thoughts.  You can reassess the situation.

Ending the Argument –Deescalate and Truce

-Find a common ground.  It can be positive or negative.  You may both come from divorced families, had abusive relationships, have a similar mental health problem, suffered a horrible childhood, etc.  Fair warning – if you mention having a bad childhood, your accuser may downplay it.  You are by no means required to divulge your past or anything too painful.  The point is that you both have something in common so that you can understand each other.  The positive things you have in common are best toward the end of the argument.  You may like the same movies, music, TV shows, etc.

-Reconnect as humans.  You are both the same species, Homo sapiens.  Instead of dehumanizing, humanize!  We all live on this same planet, and may share a common nationality.

-Do understand your differences.  You and the other person may come from two different environments.  It is possible that you both came from different socio-economic backgrounds.  You may have had different upbringings or educational experiences.  You may have come from different regions of the country or from a completely different area of the world.

-Do improve yourself and research what you were unaware of.  No one is omniscient.  Look up new terms and concepts even if it’s just a quick trip to Wikipedia.  It is better to be informed.  Maybe you’ll learn something really neat.

Don’ts

The Basics – These tips help in any argument.

-Don’t say, “Calm down!”  That never works, because it’s an imperative, and then acting calm would feel like obeying.  Instead say, “Hey, you have my attention.  Can we please stop yelling and discuss this matter quietly?”

-Don’t yell back.  That will only escalate the argument.  The point is to deescalate.  If you talk over someone, and they say you are yelling, point out that you are just trying to talk over that person.  “I’m trying to get a word in.”

-Don’t make jokes or use insult humor.  Joking about the accuser being off his/her medication or chanting, “psych ward,” will only escalate the conflict.  Making even friendly jokes can show that you’re undermining the problem or dismissing the person.

-Don’t call names.  Snowflake!  Libtard!  Idiot!  Not only is this juvenile, but name calling indicates that you don’t have a good enough rebuttal, so you resort to flinging laconic insults.

-Don’t downplay the other person’s experience.  This discredits you when you point out their downplaying.  Please, please – don’t use the term, “butt hurt.”  It’s minimizing their emotions as being insignificant – and feelings are a huge part of this argument.  Plus “butt hurt” sounds stupid as hell!

Contemporary Pitfalls – Avoid these as you would dodge potholes in the road.  Millennials and Generation Z people are familiar with these points, but Generation X and Babyboomers have been less aware of these newer ideas.

-Don’t act patronizing.  Avoid using the following words and phrases.

                “Let me explain this to you…”

                “Once you realize….” or “I hope you realize….”

                “Actually”

                “Obviously”

Anything that starts with, “Let me explain this to you,” is acting like the recipient lacks the cognitive ability to understand.  Statements involving “realize” assert your point of view as reality, not just perspective.  The same goes for “actually,” since the root word is actual.  Regarding the word, “obviously,” what is obvious to you may not be obvious to everyone.  In terms of body language, pointing or finger wagging come off as arrogant.  Making choppy gestures with your hands shows aggression.

-Don’t use the following one –liners:  They look bad and have been widely condemned in present age.

                “I’m not racist/sexist, but…”

                “I have friends who are (insert demographic)…”

                “You’re playing the race card.”

                “(Insert scenario)…This is race-baiting.”

                The first will come off as denial.  They don’t hear the “not” part.

                The second sounds like an excuse.  While having diverse friends is a positive, when this is stated in an argument, it might convey the idea of befriending someone to absolve yourself from any accusation.

                The third is downplaying the racial issue.  Also, don’t say, “You’re making this into a race/gay thing.”  Instead say, “I would like to know how being (insert demographic) plays role in this scenario.”

                The fourth is downplaying racial injustice.  If you truly believe something is amiss in a legal comparison involving verdicts from two states, mention that states have different laws and sentencing rubrics.  If you can, volunteer to research the state laws, and then you can education each other.

-Don’t mention retro-racism, retro-sexism, or straight pride/heterophobia. 

                Bigotry means hatred and intolerance against any group of people.  Racism and sexism used to just mean discrimination against any race or gender, but now Leftists believe that “ism” implies oppression.  The root word + ism = one race/gender is focused on as supreme.  Ex.  Nationalism focuses on the nation and nationality.

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of the suffix, “ism,” is a noun that has an action, state, or condition.  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/-ism

-Don’t claim that you aren’t racist just because you accept races unrelated to the one you bashed.  Being nice to Hispanics does not excuse being mean to Asians.  This goes for everyone.  It doesn’t matter what race you are, if you are African American and bash Middle Eastern people, then that is racist.  A person could love Indians but hate Latin Americans.

This issue isn’t limited to race.  Being tolerant of homosexuality does not mean you can’t be transphobic.  This could also cross over different types of prejudice.  A person could support women’s rights but also be Islamophobic. 

-Don’t ask why something is offensive.  If it bothers them, cease and desist.  If you’re still curious, google your question.

-Don’t ask for the definitions of terms, such as sexual orientations you are unfamiliar with.  Instead, say that you are unfamiliar with the term, and that you are willing to research it.

Most Difficult Challenges

-Don’t make statements that reference race.  Some people are rigid enough that they think it’s okay for them talk about race in a racial argument but you are not allowed.  Instead, refer to people or human nature.  Refer to “everyone” instead of groups.  You may feel inclined to mention demographics when that is subject being discussed.  Point that out, “I’m mentioning this because we are on the topic of race.”  Talking about race is harder if you are Caucasian due to the history of black slavery and Jim Crow.  Although you may have absolutely no slave owners in your bloodline, your ancestry had a better foundation for building wealth and attaining a decent education and employment.  You may have privileges, but you did not cause any of the horrific events in history.

-Don’t flip out when your accuser says something bigoted.  Hypocrisy hurts, but some people have extreme views so they are apt to think something blatantly offensive is okay.  When that happens, sometimes stunned silence is good.  Let them have their beliefs, maybe they could be topics for another discussion.  Get back to the main point of the argument.

-Don’t get tangled in their judgments.  “Guilty until proven innocent” is unfair, but it has occurred historically, and at present, political extremists may apply this.  If you are accused, and you deny it, they may think you are in denial.  If you try to prove you’re not a bigot, it means “you needed to prove something,” which only validates the accusation.  The key is to point out the accusation.  The discussion happened as a direct result of their claims against you.  Disproving and denial are direct reactions, not stand-alone behaviors.

©2018 Caroline Friehs

Originally posted on June 24, 2018

Header picture edited by Caroline Friehs