Ghosts and Boomerangs – Stalking Prevention

                There are people who are unaware that they send mixed signals, and then there are people who exploit your company out of sheer boredom.  Like a cheap magic trick, they are gone but still visible – in the same room and you are ostracized – until they need you again.  If you try to talk to this person two days in a row, you are labeled a “stalker.”  If you have never dealt with this head game, consider yourself lucky.

                This guide tells how to handle emotionally unavailable people who make you feel stalkerish, and most importantly shows how to prevent yourself from engaging in stalking behaviors.   Some people have no intention on harming anyone, but they unknowingly cross boundaries.  For example, a “friend” and I planned a short vacation trip after graduation, and she abruptly stopped talking to me.  I kept calling her, asking about trip reservations – no response.  I felt worried, because the last time I had not heard from a friend, I found his obituary.  The month we planned the trip came closer, and there was still no response from her.  I later found her LinkedIn, and she ignored my connection request and changed her public settings.  I blocked her, never contacted her again, and reported her since she was acting like a bot anyway. 

The modern term for this social disappearance is called “ghosting.”  The toxic types covered in this guide are Ghosts and Boomerangs; the latter I coined.  I have dealt with both in the past, and this guide is based on my experiences.  I do admit that I have been the Ghost a few times.  My reasons for doing so included if someone was rude and/or controlling.  However, everyone has different reasons.

                These people can be classmates, coworkers, or acquaintances who “befriend” you briefly.  It can also be a love interest who expects a “friend with benefits” affair.  Others only want to be your “friend” when they need to ask a favor, and then vanish.  The following are more specific definitions.

Ghosts:  are people you hang out with once or for a short period, and then they disappear from your life.

Boomerangs:  are people who are your friend one day, flat-out ignore you the next day, and will randomly return when they feel like being your friend again.  They also tend to fight and make up frequently – resembling the cycle of abuse common in unhealthy relationships.

-If you try to disrupt this behavioral pattern they accuse you of being clingy or stalkerish.  They create boundaries for themselves and assume you have none.  You can’t approach them unless they invite you, while they feel they can approach you whenever they want.  They expect you to be an “on-call friend.”

                While it is true that they don’t have to be your friend or significant other, they also don’t have to meddle with your serotonin levels either.  This is how to resist obliging their head games.

                For Ghosts

1.       Ghost them back.  (This is an opportunity to get away from them.)

a.       Avoid them by letting them avoid you.   Don’t abruptly leave the room when they enter; no aggressive walking away.  Instead wait a moment, look at your watch, and exit.

b.      If they hadn’t returned your calls, don’t call again.  The same goes for text messaging and social media.  Cut off from them.

c.       Unfollow them, but don’t unfriend them right away.  Wait a few weeks or months to break off.  They probably won’t notice, but that’s the idea. 

2.       Manage your feelings. 

a.       Writing down your feelings helps.

b.      Talk about it to family or friends who have no connection to the Ghost.

c.       Answer your own “Why?”  If you wonder why this person ghosted you, don’t ask the Ghost.  The person does not owe you an explanation of why they deserted you.  Instead, do this.

·         Think about the possible reasons why this person stopped contact.  Evaluate each point, and stick with one.  It may be an assumption, but since the other party is not communicating, you can only guess.

·         Think about your own behaviors up to that point.  Did you accidentally say something offensive?  Could something you had said or done be misinterpreted?

d.      Do NOT show your resentment to the Ghost.  Let him/her ignore you.  If they do talk to you again, maybe by jumping in on your conversation, be cordial but keep it short with the Ghost.

e.   Do NOT chase the Ghost.  The more you try to talk to them, the more they don't want to talk to you.  Pursuing will only make you look like a stalker, and catching the Ghost will only make them feel violated anyway.  Let them go, but if the Ghost returns to haunt, then you're really dealing with a Boomerang.

For Boomerangs

1.       Back away slowly.  You’re just an “acquaintance,” so your role isn’t that big in the Boomerang’s life.

a.        Unfollow now, unfriend later.  Unfriend and block this person when they are distracted, perhaps fighting with someone else.

b.      Change your gym schedule, find out which classes they are taking next semester and choose other classes, avoid their usual hangouts, etc.

2.       Resist their return.  When they decide you won their “Friend for a Day Sweepstakes,” that you didn’t enter - follow these verbal guidelines.

a.       Don’t be up front with them.  “What’s wrong?  Why are you angry?”  Don’t say, “Because I don’t like your stupid mind games!  Go away!”  Even if it’s true, it will only create conflict.  That person doesn’t see what is wrong, because they think all their actions are justifiable.

b.      Don’t use their words against them; suppress the temptation.  “Stop being so needy!”  Instead go straight to point C.

c.       Make an excuse.  “I’m busy this weekend with (chores, errands, homework, hobbies, hanging out with a friend).”  If the excuse isn’t true, you may feel bad, but this person is not mentally mature enough to handle the truth.

3.       Busy yourself with other people and hobbies.  This will give validity to your excuses, and you won’t feel so bad then.  If the person approaches you, be preoccupied with your phone.  Returning the cold shoulder is not revenge; it is not your responsibility to catch the boomerang.

4.       Manage your boomeranging emotions.  This person goes back and forth, and your feelings may be following suit.  Welcoming behavior may give you a surge of joy, and when they disappear, you may feel loss.  Remember Mr. Hyde when Dr. Jekyll invites you to tea.  It takes time, but learn to stick with one feeling – love or hate.  Since the bond is weak, stick with like or dislike.

5.       If you decide to stay shallow pals with the Boomerang, learn to have no expectations for them.  Let them come and go.  Throw the boomerang back.  It will return, but you have no idea when.

6.       If you don’t wish to stay friends/acquaintances, avoid this person like the plague.  Let the Boomerang look like the stalker.  Collect all the information, and follow steps listed in the “Someone You Know” section in the next article, titled, “Five Types of Stalkers – How to Handle Them.”

©2018 Caroline Friehs

Originally posted:  September 8, 2018
Updated:  June 29, 2019

Header picture by Caroline Friehs