Five Types of Stalkers - How to Handle Them

                Constantly watching your back, looking over your shoulder, feeling chills at the sound of your ringtone – another spoofed number; your boundaries are repeatedly breached.  Stalkers cross your boundaries with the intentional threat to attack you physically, psychologically, defame you, or even sexually assault you.  Homicide is also in scope. 

                This is a guide for victims and for those who know someone being preyed on.  This can also prepare someone for handling future incidents.  The five types of stalkers fall into three categories:  Physical Followers, Someone You Know – Near and Far, and the faceless, Unknown Cyberstalker.  There are two subtypes of physical followers; some trail by foot, and others by car.  Many victims know their predator, and that segment details local and long distance harassment.  An extra section in handing the latter subtype is titled, Stalker Mathematics, in which you calculate travel expenses versus the stalker’s disposable income.

                Over the course of my life, I have dealt with all five types of stalkers, and I will say this.  Stalking an Intelligence major is as stupid as getting road rage with a police car.

                Here is my guide, and I hope this helps you or someone you know.  Some of these tactics have saved me.

Physical Followers

                These are the types who are physically present and trailing you from behind.  They are usually strangers, but they could also be from the Someone You Know section, who is trying to talk with you.  That aside, there are two types of physical following covered:  On Foot and Vehicular.  One walks and stalks.  The other follows you by car or truck.  Here are the guides for how to handle these two types.

On Foot:

-Maintain your distance.

-Try to lose the suspect in a few turns.

-Look behind you several times.

                This lets the person know that you are aware and that you can not be taken by surprise.

                (Reference:  Orientation brochure from University of Pittsburgh, and it truly saved me!)

-If you run, DON’T look behind you.

You could trip.  Running is best after a turning a corner, or when crossing a parking lot to get inside a building.  Your adrenaline will help you sprint.  (I learned this bit from a women’s self-defense seminar, and I’ve added to it based on experiences.)

-Stay in a crowd or close to people.

People can be a barrier between you and the stalker.  If attacked, ask a specific bystander for help, because groups assume someone else will help you.  Other witnesses might not help you because they are afraid of the stalker attacking them too.

-Cross the street.

                Following you after this move makes the suspect look more suspicious.

-Don’t go home.

Then the pursuer will know where you live.  Instead lead the follower somewhere else.

-Go into a building.  Ask for security or to call the police.

-If you couldn’t call the police at the time, file a report later.

Give a detailed description of the stalker, times, locations, specific behaviors, etc.

Other techniques and notions to consider:

-Use your cellphone or a compact mirror to spy.

Use your phone or mirror to look behind you, and gather descriptive details of your stalker.  Use selfie mode, and then take a photograph or video record the harassment.  Careful, don’t let the person catch up to you.

-Use your cell phone to call 911.

After your evidence is captured, make the call.  The call may deter or escalate the situation, if the stalker overhears.  The person may give up immediately or they may lash out just for the thrill of having their attack on a 911 recording.  If the stalker thinks you’re just chatting with a friend, the predator might think you are distracted and take advantage.  Careful!

-Note your clothing and possessions

                This could determine the stalker’s motive: Mugging, rape, and hopefully not murder.

Do you have expensive accessories or jewelry on you?  Chances are, a woman carries a purse, but if not, the stalker will think she’s likely unarmed.  Is your clothing easy to rip off?  There’s a difference between jeans and a skirt with an elastic band.  What kind of footwear do you have?  Call it sexist, but targeting you for your hard-to-run-in heels is realistic.  Stalkers seldom care if they’re called sexist anyway.

Vehicular:

Observe

-Count the turns that the car has followed you.  Note the distance.

                This information will help when filing a police report.  So will the following observations.

-Does the car behind you speed up to catch up to you, or find out your next turn?

-Does the car behind you wait for your turn signal before turning on theirs – and in the same direction?

-At a stop sign or red light, wait until the car is right behind you.

Look at the driver in your rearview mirror.  The face will be illuminated by your tail lights.  Remember the person’s description.  Note the car description.

Put them to the Test

-Test – Put on your turn signal for a street, then DO NOT turn.  Keep your turn signal blinking as you drive on.  If your stalker turns on the same blinker and does not turn there, this is suspicious!

-Test - Drive around a block. 

If the car follows, it’s doubtlessly a stalker.  Drive around the block multiple times.  The driver will probably feel awkward, and wary that you know his/her motives.

-Do NOT go into an unfamiliar neighborhood.  You could get stuck in a cul de sac.

Evasive strategies

-Try to lose the car in a few turns.

Turn, speed to the next corner, turn, speed, repeat.  Don’t use your turn signals.  If you end up facing that car, drive past them fast.  Then keep going.  It will be hard for them to turn around and catch up to you.  This worked for me once.  However, the car could block you from rushing past them.  Careful!

-Call 911 from your car if it is safe to do so.

-Drive to the nearest police station!

                Have this person surrounded by cops.

This worked for my dad.  Someone got road rage with my dad and decided to follow our family’s car around.  My brother and I were small children in the back seat.  My dad drove to the police station, and then confronted the guy.

-If you arrive at the police station late at night and it’s closed - Hit the panic button on your key fob; set off your car alarm.  If you do not have that feature, call 911.  Make sure your car doors are locked when parked.

After either of these types of ordeals – of being followed by car or by foot, you should destress!  Go straight to the “From Distress to Destress” section.

Someone You Know – Near and Far

                These types of stalkers are not strangers.  They are people you have known personally and with whom you want no further contact.  Chances are you know where this person lives and works, and you will have enough information to create a profile on this individual.

                These people can be your former spouse or significant other, classmate, coworker, ex-friend, etc.  They could live close by, or it can be an online “friend” who lives across the country.  The latter will harass you mostly online or by phone, however they could become obsessed enough to travel and physically stalk you.  There is a section dedicated to calculating their travel expenses.  The following three-phase guide is inclusive to handling both – long distance and short distance stalkers.  The parts specifically for (Long Distance) types are indicated.

Phase I:  Preparation - Documentation, Evidence, Profile

1.       Write up a document of everything that happened.

a.       Note the dates, times, witnesses present, etc.  Give a complete, detailed account of everyone’s actions during each encounter, and quote what each person said.  It doesn’t have to be verbatim, but exact words are a plus.  It’s best to record everything, because it’s easy to forget details.

2.       Gather hard evidence.

a.       Take screen shots of every email, instant message, and social media post.

Why?  People can easily delete their posts or accounts.  Retrieving old emails, messages from abandoned sites, or text messages from a previous phone can be difficult in long term stalking cases.  Information gets buried over time, and digging it up takes more effort.

b.      Take phone screen shots of the person’s text message history, and your recent calls, complete with repetitive calls and their times.

c.       Retain voicemails.  (Send them to your email, or use a separate camera to video record the phone playing the message.)

·   Order these screen shots by date and conversation.  Have computer file folders for each date.  This makes it easier to follow the succession of events.

·   How to take screen shots:  Not everybody is tech savvy.  “Prt sc” should be on the top row on your computer keyboard.  Open up MS Paint.  Paste.  Save it!  Cellphone:  Press the home and top buttons at once, but phones vary.  Check your phone manual or google it if you do not know how.  If you have an older phone without that function, photograph the phone displaying the text message.  The messages can be retrieved from the phone companies by court orders, but that takes time.

3.       Gather the offender’s personally identifying details to construct a profile.

a.       In a Word document, list the items with colons, and fill in the blanks.  This will be easier for the police to fill in information on their report and to quickly identify your stalker in a future encounter.

b.      Information to gather:  Personal, Employment, and Vehicular.

·   Personal:  Name, address, phone numbers, date of birth, approximate height and weight, eye color, hair color and length, aliases/online names/nicknames.

·   Employment:  The stalker’s employer, job title, and work address.

·   Vehicular:  Car brand, model, and color.  If you have the license plate number, you’re a boss!

·   That’s 17 pieces of information.  If you can not get them all, it’s okay.  Try to collect as much information as you can and SAFELY!  The safest way is to collect the information online.

c.       (Long Distance)  To obtain the person’s address, google the person’s full name and town.  Match the results with the DOB or age.  Don’t feel bad, your stalker is capable of doing the same thing to you.

4.       Put all the information from Steps 1,2, and 3 into an empty flash drive.  Have a hard copy of your document from Step 1. 

Your flash drive should have three things: 

·   Documented statement

·   Evidence

·   Profile

Phase II:  Report it to the authorities.

5.       Go to the police with all your information.  File a report.

Even if the police take no further action, they will already know about your stalker before you have an encounter.

6.       If you need to get an emergency PFA, do it.

PFA stands for Protection From Abuse.  It is the legal term for a restraining order.  Go to your local women’s shelter and get assistance from a paralegal.  Also, women’s shelters help male victims too with many services.

7.       Return to the police and get a copy of the police report. 

Note the gaps in the information fields.  If you need to go to the police again, give an updated profile.

Phase III:  Afterward

8.       Zip it – Stay quiet!

a.       Do NOT tell your harasser you have all his/her information, just like you don’t show your cards in a game of poker.

b.      Do NOT tell your harasser that you went to the police.  This warning turns into an empty threat once he/she thinks that the police haven’t dealt any consequences.

c.       Do NOT ask your friends to find out anything about this person.  Your “friend” could easily betray you or succumb to the stalker’s charm.  You can control what you tell someone, but you can not control who they tell.

9.       Monitor the predator’s online activity without communicating.  It can reveal whether or not he/she has plans to confront you or harm you.  Collect the evidence!

Do NOT contact the harasser, make harassing comments, or even defend yourself online.  That will only anger or entertain the stalker, who wants your attention.

10.    (Long Distance)  Learn the stalker’s financial infrastructure.  (See Stalker Mathematics Section)

11.   Destress!  (Go to the “From Distress to Destress” section now.  It comes after the Unknown Cyberstalker section).

[Note:  I use “he/she” because this crime knows no gender.]

Stalker Mathematics

If your harasser lives far away, it’s important to know his/her finances, in order to determine how costly stalking you in person will be.  Focus on monthly income, rent, and living expenses.  Then also, what does this person spend money on?  If he/she is strapped for cash and is spending money on gadgets then it’s less money toward a plane ticket to get you.  These math problems can be really easy!  All you need is Google and a calculator!

Monthly Income – (Rent + Bills) = Disposable Monthly Income

                Monthly income minus rent and bills equates to money left over for spending.  This is the first of three equations.  In math, we use numbers to answer questions.  The first is:  How much spending money does this person have?

Find out the wage by looking up his/her job title, employer, and location.  Type into the search engine: “Pay rate of (employer name) (job title) in (state).”  You may substitute “pay rate” with “starting salary.”

Find out the rent by finding the stalker’s address.  (Refer to Phase I, 3C).  If this person can google you, you can google them.  You are on the same battlefield for information.  If the address is an apartment, search for apartments and the town.  The rent should be listed along with other information revealing expenses, such as if utilities are included.  If this is a house, look for real estate prices in the person’s town.

Bills can be estimated.  Does he/she have a fancy cellphone?  Is this person a spendthrift or a penny-pincher?  Does this person complain about being broke often?  Does this person have debt?  Does he/she buy groceries, or do the parents buy the food?  Think of all this person’s living expenses.  Make an estimate.  If you want to be more precise, make a minimum and maximum estimate.

                How much will it cost to drive all the way to physically encounter you?  The following formula answers that.

                (Average price of gas)*Distance = Cost

                To find the distance, go to Google Maps or Bing Maps, and input both addresses.  Take the distance from the shortest trip.

                Determining the average price of gas takes 2 steps.  How many states are involved in the trip? 

1.       Look up the average price of gas for each state.

2.       Take the average of the average.  Add up the average prices, divide them by the number of states.

Now multiply those two numbers, and now you know the cost of the trip.  Now to answer the final question:  How long will it take the stalker to save up for the trip?

Gas Money/Disposable Income = How many months?

Take the Cost of the trip and divide it by Disposable Income.  Gas money is on top, and Disposable Income is under the fraction bar – just in case someone did not understand the “/” part.

                Sometimes it helps to have an example to illustrate mathematical ideas.

                Ex.  I had a long distance stalker who was mad that I unfriended him on Facebook three years prior.  I took into account his estimated income, rent, bills, and the distance in gas money versus airfare.  He lived in a trailer court and moved back into his mother's house, sharing a mortgage currently worth $127,042.  His share of rent should be $612/month or $251/month if refinancing is involved. (Zillow.com).  His job should pay $10.41/hour (Payscale.com), so his gross annual income before taxes should be $21,652.80, given if the job is full-time with a 52-week year.  His extra money as a gamer on Twitch probably amounts to around $100/month (Huffington Post), since he has more than 50 subscribers.  He commutes 3.9 miles to work, and he probably gets an employee discount on gas.  He lives 1,006 miles away, so a trip given the average gas price on the East coast ($2.457; Gas Buddy), it would cost $ 2,471.74.  However, a cheap plane ticket costs $151!  (Time to buy some mace!)  He spends a considerable amount of time paying for new video games and consoles, which probably costs more than what he earns from professional gaming, unless he gets more followers.  As of March 2018, Netflix is working on penetrating the video game market (Fortune.com), so he would eventually save some money.  This research only took me a few minutes.

His monthly income before taxes should be $1,665.60, but after looking up his state taxes, it would be $1,538.18.  Simply look up state taxes.  Let’s apply the numbers to the formulas.

                MI – (Rent + Living Expenses) = DI

                (1,538.18) – (251 +500?) = $787.18/month

                Avg price gas*D = Cost

                (2.457)*1,006 = 2,471.742

                C/DI = Time

                (2,471.742)/(787.18) = 3.14 months

                Given that his credit card bills, cellphone bill, and health insurance are close to the estimate of $500 monthly, it would take slightly over three months for him to save up for a road trip.

[Section updated]

Unknown Person – Cyberstalker

                Feeling safe behind a screen, someone can create a social media profile void of selfies or any identifying information and then troll strangers for hours with few consequences.  They can recruit other people to harass you, infiltrate your friends list, or threaten and slander you from thousands of miles away.  Sometimes it is someone you know disguising themselves just to cyberbully you.  Eventually they will be unmasked in the following steps, though this guide is more geared to handling completely anonymous cyberharassers.  When someone is nameless and faceless, there is a higher level of difficulty in handling them.  I have dealt with a one a few years ago, and within 31 hours (including work and sleep), I knew his name, location, eight of his accounts, physical description, his closest friend, hobbies, favorite bands, and that he was left handed.  Luckily the stalking was short term, however I have friends who have endured worse.

Phase I:  Report and Block!

1.       Report this person to the social media platforms used in the harassment.

-Every report adds up over time.  If this person breaches the platform’s policies enough, he/she will face consequences.

2.       Screenshot everything before blocking.  Do NOT post any screen shots in a public setting, or not at all.  The cyberstalker may infiltrate your friendship circle and be able to view photos and posts.  This rule also applies to Someone You Know- Near and Far.

3.       If the cyberstalker’s account has links to other social media websites, click and block them on other places first before blocking the main account.

4.       Block this person, and all subsequent profiles the harasser creates.

5.       If the cyber harassment becomes intense, file a report with the police.  Type up a detailed statement of the incidents, and give the police a copy.  You have your own limits and judgement calls, but in my discretion, a situation turns severe if the harassment goes on for an extended period of time, your accounts are hacked, the cyberstalker recruits people close to your home to harass you, or threatens to find you in person to harm you or your family.  The police need to be aware prior to this suspicious person showing up. 

[Note:  If you prefer, you can skip Phase II, however this phase may simplify Phase III.  In some cases, Phase II may not be necessary, unless you are dealing with a very aggressive online abuser.  You call the shots, and decide if your situation calls for this action.]

Phase II:  Go Undercover

6.       Create a separate account and monitor the cyberstalker’s behavior without contacting them. 

**This may seem stalkerish, but what is your objective?  The purpose is to collect information to prevent surprise attacks.  You are not invading anyone’s privacy; all information you’re finding is public.  Some people believe that spying on someone’s page is stalking regardless if the other party knows, but this is a different scenario, since your safety is being compromised and you are taking preventative measures.  Think of it as counterstalking.

7.       Keep a separate Facebook account for blocking people on your pages.

-If you have a Facebook page, you can not block someone from your page whom you’ve already blocked on your regular account. 

8.       Avoid these pitfalls.

a.       Careful not to hit “like” or any buttons that would give away your presence.

b.      Do NOT leave comments, no matter how strong the urge is to make a snappy remark.

c.       Don’t personalize this account.  Use a pseudonym for your username.  If you use your real name or anything revealing about your character, a cyberstalker can easily find your second account and harass you.

9.       Collect information.  See what this person is saying/planning regarding you.

10.   Analyze the stalker’s accounts.  See which accounts the stalker uses the most.  Did he/she abandon any?  Is this person getting tired?

11.   Analyze the stalker’s network.  Look at their friends/followers on Twitter.  If there is an overlap, they are likely friends.  Look at their comment sections.  Who comments the most?  Who “likes” the most?  Eventually you will map out this person’s friendship circle.  Then find out details about the friends by googling in each “location, name.”  You may uncover details about the cyberstalker through their friends.

**If you feel uncomfortable about this, keep in mind the cyberstalker can do the same to your friends.  You need to gather information quicker than they do.  Remember, this is for your safety.  This creeper is anonymous, and you need to know who they are.

Phase III:  Profile Them!

12.   Messages reveal information.  At some point the cyberharasser might slip up and reveal something about his/her identity.

13.   Scour their Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, etc – to find revealing information about the nameless cyberstalker.  Screen shot everything so you don’t need to return to the page.  Along the way you’ll know more about this person.  “Know thy enemy.” – Sun Tzu

(Steps 12 and 13 may alternate depending on the harasser’s behavior.

Moreover Step 13 is easier to do from a second account or done before blocking.  This can also be done as the abuser creates more accounts.  Though after being blocked, the stalker may feel falsely safe and reveal more info on his/her original account.)

14.   Every piece of new information is something to plug into a search engine.  Any information resulting from your searches can be used in the next search.  Examples include:

                                -Pseudonyms

                                -Links

                                -Name, Town

                                -Website names

                                -Friends’ names, pseudonyms

                                -Name, Date of birth

15.   Create a profile full of information you have gathered.

                                -Name, Aliases

                                -Geographical location

                                -Date of birth

                                -Approximate age, height, weight.

                                -Gender, race, hair and eye color

                                -Hobbies, interests, favorite bands, food, movies, etc.

                                -Links to all of the stalker’s related websites.

                                -List of all accounts held by the stalker.

                                -List of accomplices and their information.

                                -List of the stalker’s family members and close friends and their information.

                                                (Note:  Your stalker may use these people to contact you.)

                                -Any other information that could possibly identify the person in a later search.

                It’s okay if you don’t gather all the information listed above, but they are examples of what to look for.  Some details may seem negligible, such as hobbies or favorite bands, but you’ll be able to spot the stalker if he/she opens an account with a favorite song title as a screen name, for instance.

Note that some of your findings may be fictitious.  Someone’s “real name” might just be another alias, or they list a false location.  If you can, verify by location sources.  Blogger and YouTube give you a map of where views are coming from.  Check this quickly in order to insure accuracy.  If you have zero hits from a country where they claim to reside, that person doesn’t live there.

                The more you know about this person, the more prepared you will be in handling any more unwanted behavior, and you will feel less stressed.  Fighting with a mystery menace is always scarier.

                No matter which type of stalker you are evading, after you are finished reporting or profiling them, it’s important to relax and doing something enjoyable.

From Distress to Destress

Once you feel safe, there are ways to destress.

1.       Talk to your friends and family.  Of course it’s important for them to be aware, and it feels great to get support.  Make sure the friends you tell have no connection with the stalker.

2.       Exercise!  A good jog or a nice long walk can feel refreshing.  To feel safer, bring your cellphone and pepper mace.  Partnering up with a friend is a good idea too.

3.       Make some art.  It doesn’t matter if you’re DaVinci or you can’t draw stick figures.  The art could be drawing, painting, photography, photoshop, or even making memes.  I made some funny memes about a stalker and shared them privately with friends.  Share the laughs.  The art can be about your experience or about anything you choose.

4.       Write some art.  You could write a short story, poetry, play, etc, about your harasser.  Keep it to yourself, or privately share it with friends.  It can be really cathartic.

©2018 Caroline Friehs

Originally posted:  September 8, 2018
Updated on May 17, 2019 upon finding new information.

 

Some Helpful Resources:

CBS (2017 Sept 6).  What to do if you’re being stalked:  Advice from an expert.  CBS – 48 Hours.  Retrieved from:  https://www.cbsnews.com/news/what-to-do-if-youre-being-stalked-advice-from-an-expert/

DeBecker, G (1997).  The Gift of Fear.  Publisher:  Dell Publishing.  1745 Broadway, New York, NY.  10019.

                [Note:  I absolutely loved this book.  I highly recommend it.]

Martin, M (2012 Dec. 3).  Busting a Cyberstalker.  NPR.  Retrieved from:  https://www.npr.org/2012/12/03/166402533/busting-a-cyberstalker

National Center for Victims of Crime (2012).  Stalking Resource Center – Help for Victims.  [Webpage].  Retrieved from:  http://victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims

Reputation Defender (2018 Apr 29).  How to prevent or defend against online stalking.  [Webpage].  Retrieved from:  https://www.reputationdefender.com/blog/privacy/how-prevent-or-defend-against-online-stalking

YouTube (2018 Apr. 24).  How to Avoid an Attack If You’re Being Followed or Watched.  [Video].  Courtesy of channel:  Bright Side.  Retrieved from:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHIqBqBt4iE

Photo Credit

Header picture:  Digimorphing.com

Photo searched via Google Images