Defining Stalking

Last September I went to a party hosted by a colleague.  He referred to me as a stalker, because I knew his last name and his department before telling me.  At the time, I was a security guard and I found that information from the directory, a necessary tool for answering the phone.  I informed him of the legal definition of stalking, and he told me I should be flattered.

Too many people casually throw around the word, stalker.  Whether someone is “stalking” their ex’s Facebook page, using a search engine, or remembers something you said on Labor Day, people incorrectly call that person a stalker.  The term has been misused in pop culture, like in video game titles and in movies like The DUFF, and even Happy Feet!

Stalking, in the legal sense, is not just Googling someone’s name.  It is the repeated, unwanted contact from an individual.  Stalking can involve physically following someone, loitering by their house, unwanted calls or texts after you’ve told them to stop, contact via new social media accounts after blocking, etc.  If someone tells you they want no further contact, and you continue, then that is harassment.

In the past I’ve been labeled a “stalker” and I have dealt with real stalkers.  There is a difference between remembering someone’s life story that they voluntarily spilled to you, and someone who emails you with, “I would sneak into your bedroom at night just to see you again.”

In middle school, there was a girl who liked picking on everyone in gym class, and she also adored talking about herself.  Let’s call her “Gabby.”  One day a teacher sent me on an errand to the home economics classroom.  Gabby was there.  She was bothered by my presence and yelled repeatedly, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??”  It made me feel uncomfortable, and I just ignored her.  I then figured out her school schedule so I could avoid her.  Another time my family was going out to dinner at Uno’s.  On the way there, I looked out my window to see Gabby in her mom’s Volvo, giving me weird looks.  Then I felt it was necessary to know the model, make, and license plate# of her car.

A year later, I pointed out how much I knew about Gabby, since she talked about herself ad nauseam.  One of her friends called me a stalker.  I said I can’t help it if I remember what she says.  One time she gave her friend directions to her house, loudly enough for everyone in the gym to hear.  If I’m forced to hear it, does that make me a stalker?  No.

The need to collect information was a defense mechanism I developed in third grade when I was abused by a Special Ed teacher – who ironically in the context of this post, stalked me into my adult years.  I reported her, and in doing so I needed to collect details to build a file.

Collecting information is okay, but using it deliberately for unwanted contact is illegal.  You could know everything about your favorite celebrity, but you are not standing in his backyard to watch the lights go on and off?  There’s a difference between obsession and stalking – just keep the obsession in check.  Turn your obsession into dedication to a career, and it becomes positive.

Later in life I would find out that collecting license plate numbers, addresses, DOBs, and other personally identifying information are part of what intelligence officers do.  Now I have a Masters in Criminal Justice with a concentration in Intelligence and Crime Analysis.  I was a security guard for five years, and I now work as a Public Records Researcher, conducting background checks with the acute scrutiny to detail as I did growing up.  Whether I watch people through 30+ cameras on the CCTV, or I know about people’s criminal records throughout the US, misguided people would call me a stalker by profession.  The difference is I don’t use information to harm, but to help employers hire good people, and weed out the criminals, including stalkers.

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It’s September again, and my colleague invited me to another party.  He is a good friend, and he just likes to tease people.  This time he told me, because I did not know his family’s vacationing habits, “For a stalker, you aren’t very good at stalking!”  I don’t remember my response verbatim, but it was something to the effect of, “Well, thank you.  That’s because I’m not a stalker.”

©2018 Caroline Friehs

 
Originally posted: September 8, 2018


Photo Credits

Gavel - Sonomacity.org
Stalker - Wildninjablog.com
Cyberstalker - Various sites
Photos searched through Google Images.

Header picture edited by Caroline Friehs