How to Argue with a Bigot While Remaining Calm

               Bigots tend not to be lonely, but bigotry is a lonely vice.  Prejudices limit the number of people you can befriend or associate with.  Bigots are isolated to their hate groups, not even their whole race.  Although there are more openly prejudiced people these days, Neo-Nazis and the KKK are still outsiders.  Knowing this makes them distrusting of most people, and having to hide their identity makes them feel persecuted.  This is why extremists think they are the victims.  The masses freely voice their opinions, which are slightly similar and repetitive.  Extremists are intolerant to others’ opinions probably because they have heard them all on repeat and their own opinions don’t get heard – unless it’s online under an alias or they are yelling in a demonstration.  Mainstream morality possibly leads them to believing the majority are the intolerant, extremist ones, and not themselves.  Even when they find allies in cyberspace, they are geographically spaced.  Chances are they are still alone.

                Though what if someone close to you were a bigot, or you suspected them of being one?  Some people have prejudicial ideas without being emotionally hateful.  Then there are some people with social anxieties toward different races or religions, or unfamiliar sexualities and gender expressions.  Just because someone has prejudicial tendencies doesn’t make them a complete bigot.  Bigot is a harsh word.  Yet slurs can be harsh words too. 

                Finding out that someone close to you holds extreme views can be shocking.  Flipping out and screaming at the person will get you nowhere and will hurt your relationship with that person.  The following guide is on how to argue with a bigot, genuine or suspected, without the conversation escalating to an explosive altercation.

                Plenty of Leftists advocate “punching Nazis,” but violence will result in them isolating themselves to socialize with other bigots, with whom they can be open and honest.  Then more of those types could congregate and form a hate group chapter.  In order to prevent this, stop that person close to you from joining by connecting with them.  Once you take time to get over the initial shock, discussion helps to strengthen your bond. 

                Approaching this dilemma parallels to one of Aesop’s fables, The Sun and the Wind.  The Wind symbolizes force, anger, and convictions.  The Sun represents persuasion and patience.  The harder the raging Wind tried to blow the man’s coat off his body, the tighter the man held onto his coat.  The Sun warmed up the land, and the man willingly took off his coat.  Likewise, the bigot will want to hold onto his Klan uniform no matter how hard you try to blow it off with your zeal.  Be patient and debate your opponent civilly and maybe that person will have a change of heart and wardrobe. 

Sometimes it takes longer.  Your opponent may meet someone of their hated group and learn that the stereotype does not match up and that there is nothing inferior about that person – as I have seen happen.

I have good and bad experiences interacting with bigots and people with prejudicial leanings.  I also have been falsely labeled a bigot and a homophobe for not tolerating sexual harassment from female peers.  I learned what works and what doesn’t work.

                The guide is structured as a detailed list of Do’s and Don’ts in handling this type of argument.  The “Don’ts” section comes first to eliminate knee-jerk reactions in these cases before proceeding to a civil discussion.  First and foremost is the disclaimer, because your safety comes first.

Disclaimer:  If you ever feel the bigot is threatening to inflict harm upon you or anyone you care about, call the police!  Get away from this person.  There is no guarantee that my methods will prevent crime, and there is no promise that the guide will yield the favorable results you expected.  This guide is not intended for converting anyone to someone else’s ideology.  The intent is to give suggestions on resolving a conflict in a peaceful manner, rather than resorting to physical and emotional abuse.

                This guide is for dealing with moderate haters, who are non-violent; preferably someone you know well.  These methods are based on my experiences, and everyone has different experiences – so results may vary.

The Dos and Don’ts of Debating with a Bigot

Don’ts

-Don’t call the person a bigot, even if it’s true.  Although their prejudicial ideas offend you, offending them via name-calling will likely motivate them to retaliate with cutting comebacks.  Why be sensitive to your feelings, if you are not sensitive to theirs?

-Don’t scream at them.  Attempts to intimidate them will make them either hide their bigotry or hold onto it tighter, like the fabled coat.  You can not take their thoughts away from them.  Shouting is equivalent to the Wind; they will want to hold onto their beliefs even tighter the harder you blow.

-Don’t interrupt, jump to conclusions, or contradict everything they say.  It says that you are not open for an actual discussion, and every question is a trap for rejection.  “Shutting them down,” may silence them, but silencing doesn’t erase their thoughts.  They will just express their hatred to someone more open.

-Don’t argue about the issue in public.  Instead talk about the matter in private or in the presence of a few close friends or family if you feel the person may react badly.  Being reserved about this may seem like the obvious answer, but some people have the urge to act when someone spontaneously utters a hateful comment.  Instead of saying, “What the hell was that about!” say, “I would like to talk to you about this later.”  Don’t say, “We need to have a talk later,” because it sounds parental.

-Don’t have this discussion over the internet.  It is better to have the conversation in person or over the phone.  If someone posts something sketchy on social media, never debate in the comments section.  Even your most diplomatic approach will come off as an attack.  The second you say Neo-Nazi, the person’s friends will assume you are directing the term at their friend, and then they will defend by lashing out at you.  Instead, send a private message, indicating your curiosity about the particular post.

-Don’t bring up the conflicted topic every time you see them.  Don’t make this an ongoing argument.

                -Whether this is a coworker, friend, family member, classmate, etc.; don’t argue about their prejudices every time you go to lunch, to class, or at every party, reunion; hangout of any kind.  Don’t make civil rights or gay rights your only topic of conversation. 

                -Why?  It’s harassing.

-It’s a double bind.  You reject them, but want them to belong to your social circle – via a change that you make mandatory.

                -Through repeated attempts to make them change their minds/hearts, you are showing that you won’t accept disagreement.  Trying to stop their bad ideas is limiting what they are allowed to think and say.  Therefore, you are denying them the choice of their own thoughts, and that’s probably not your intent.  Thinking is the most intimate freedom anyone has.  Would you like someone policing your thoughts?

                -It also makes you seem monomaniacal, like you have a one-track mind.  It’s not good for political discussion, because it’s important to care about more than one political issue.  So, watch yourself - do you talk about other things with this person?  Also, make sure you talk about stuff other than politics in general.

                (When I was in high school, I thought Klan members were monomaniacal, that all they ever did was think and talk about hatred.  I thought they had no hobbies.  As an adult, out of common sense I was sure they did more than just sit on the couch, dwelling on hate.  Heck, even mass murderers have hobbies.  Ex.  Virginia Tech’s Cho Seung Hui liked playing basketball.  Later in life I became friends with someone who estranged himself from his KKK relatives.   So I was finally able to get my answer.  I asked him, “Do Klan members ever have fun?  Do they have any hobbies besides hating?  I thought they didn’t have any fun.”  My friend laughed for about 45 seconds straight.  He told me that they like to party hard.  They drink and do crystal meth, get into fights, and have sex.  Expressing tabooed animosity is in the mix, of course.  Besides partying, they enjoy hunting and fishing.  They prefer country music, and they think goth music is depressing.)

-Don’t accuse them of being bigoted against groups they haven’t mentioned.  Just because someone hates one group of people doesn’t mean they hate everyone.  Also inform the person that bigots can hate one group but favor another.  Ex.  A racist could hate Latinos but love African Americans.

-Don’t ever joke about sexual assault to undo homophobia!  Trying to sodomize or force lesbian sex on a homophobe to change their minds or turn them gay will only validate their fears of LGBT people.  Whether you are joking or truly mean it, this is threatening someone.  Homosexual rape to cure homophobia is as wrongful as South African men gang raping to “cure” lesbians back in 2009. The person’s homophobia would intensify just as the South African lesbian would be even less attracted to men.

-Don’t be surprised if the bigot says bigoted things.  Be mentally and emotionally prepared to hear hateful things from a hateful person.  When you watch a movie, are you surprised the bad guy does bad things?  Unlike a cinematic villain, our peers are not as melodramatic.  A person can change, but you won’t be doing the changing – a person has to change on his/her own.

-Don’t cheer in victory when the bigot has a change of heart.  A person has to change on his/her own, so don’t treat this as your victory.  That person chose to change their thoughts, just as it was a choice to have the hateful thoughts before. 

                Treating their decision like it’s your victory is like saying that person decided to be defeated.  Rather than saying, “I’m happy that you’re accepting of others!” the message sounds like, “I’m happy for your defeat!”  Instead, let them lead the conversation about their transformation.  If they don’t say much, just say, “okay, cool,” then talk about other things.  Don’t make a big deal out of it.

Do’s

-Listen.  Collect all the information before assessing the person.  If you don’t listen, you may miss something, and misunderstand that person.  He or she might not be a bigot.  If he/she is bigoted, listen anyway.  Then you collect all the information necessary to build your argument.  Also, you get to know the person better.

-Try to be objective.  The reason behind the person’s behavior might not have been racially motivated.  Discern the type of discrimination.  There may be other factors involved since people consist of more than one demographic.  The real issue might be age, gender, mental illness, socio-economic background, ethnicity, religious beliefs, etc.  There is also the possibility that there was a big misunderstanding and the person was not being prejudiced at all.  Allow clarification.

                Also, the person may be unaware that they are acting prejudiced.  If they are unaware, pointing it out will come off as a surprise attack.  The person will get defensive and angry.  It is better to reference the behavior and how it came off, and discuss the matter in private.

-Let them have their thoughts.  Let them say those awful words.  This is when you are dealing with the real thing beyond a doubtless shadow.  If you don’t cut them off at every slur, they are more likely to open up and give you more information.

-Present your arguments calmly.

                -If you are calm, they are more likely to stay calm.

                -Attack their arguments, not the person.

                Method 1:  Find illogic and inconsistencies in their own statements and views.

                Method 2:  Use facts to disprove their comments.  Make sure your facts are accurate, and you know the resource.  If you don’t know it offhand, that’s okay.  Tell him/her you can find it later.

                                -Very importantly, this person may call your facts, “just theories.”  Instead of flipping out, get curious.  “Why do you think this is just a theory?”  Is it based on scientific counter-evidence, or because their social circle believes it unanimously?  If the former, politely ask them for the resource or specify which studies were conducted.

                Method 3:  Fight them on their own turf.  This is a combination of Method 1 and 6.  Step into your opponent’s shoes, and argue from their standpoint.  Entertain their ideology while retaining your own.  Treat their ideas as givens and find holes in their logic.  If you argue solely from your belief system, which they don’t believe in, it could be frustrating enough to escalate to a heated disagreement.

                Method 4:  Ask non-clichéd situational questions.  “What if you have a gay kid someday,” is old, and a homophobe has heard that one 50 times.  Ask something better, “What if you get caught for a hate crime and you share a cell with a gay person?”

                Method 5:  Ask them about what would be an ideal world for them.  Use this one later, never on the first conversation.  Though, when you ask this question, brace yourself.  Their utopia is most likely your dystopia.  Then once you know this pipedream, you can find points to debate.  You can show how it would be dysfunctional, and what it is lacking.  Don’t slam their dream, because it would mean you asked the question just to attack him/her.  Be gentler, not harsh.  Debating is better than ditching.

                Method 6:  Explain why the hateful idea is wrong.  Restrain your urge to show anger while doing so.  Explain the “why” through logic.  Think it out beforehand and tell them.  If you need to, let the person know you took time to think about how to tell them.  It shows you care.

-Inform them, but don’t expect them to agree.

                “Being gay is natural.”  “Some people don’t believe in an afterlife.”  “No race is superior.  Everyone is equal.”

                If they disagree, calmly challenge.  “If being gay is a choice, how did you choose to become straight?”  “Well you don’t believe in reincarnation – so there are people who don’t believe in Heaven.  Some people believe in Nirvana.”  “Can you electro-shock someone to being bisexual?”  “If you think the majority of white people are more (insert positive trait), it’s because white people are the majority.  In statistics class, we learned a sample had to be at least 30 members.  If you surveyed two groups, 30 and 10 people respectively, the resulting statistics would be an unfair comparison.”

-Tell them, “I need to you stay calm,” instead of “Calm down!” when the prejudiced person gets upset.

                -When he/she yells, “WHY?” say you don’t want to fight but to debate peacefully.  It’s a relevant topic that’s worth discussing.

-Find a common ground.  What do you have in common with this person?  Connect with him/her.  It helps ease tension.  You may have attended the same school, have similar music tastes, or share a hobby.  If you represent the group that bigot hates, then find a demographical trait you both have in common.  Ex.  You may be different sexual orientations, but you may both be women who have endured sexism.  You may have a hardship in common.  Look deeper.

-Take a break.  Know when to take a break.  When you feel the person is tired of debating you, this is good time to stop and walk away.  This isn’t about winning an argument.  This is about having a discussion.

-Give them space.  If an argument turns tense, give that person some space.  If you can be in the same room and refrain from approaching them, they won’t feel the need to avoid you.  If they exit Stage Left, let them.  Occupy yourself with other people or activities.  It shows you have a life.

-Give them time.  It takes time to change.  Don’t expect an existential transformation by next week.  Our life experiences shape our beliefs, and they may run into situations that challenge their ways.  They may meet a new friend who later tells them she’s pansexual, be assigned to a lab partner who’s Middle- Eastern, or welcome a new brother-in-law who has dyslexia.  The person may have a job interview with an African American, or have a boss who is Atheist – both whom you need to respect to attain or retain a job.  When someone is carrying their half-conscious body out of a burning building, their half-closed eyes can hardly determine the race of their hero.  In time, these experiences could impact them.  They also could have bad experiences involving their hated types, thus reinforcing and validating the bigotry.  Maybe you could discuss the bad memories, if they are comfortable with it?

-Let them change their minds on their own.  If they don’t change, accept it and move on.  If they do, great.  Their thoughts are their choice, and changing those thoughts is also their choice.  Their transformation may or may not have involved your arguments.  The reasons may be entirely their own.

©2018 Caroline Friehs

Originally posted on June 24, 2018 

Header picture by Caroline Friehs